i will be home in less than a month and it seems that dance parties have fallen out of fashion.

on a more positive note, employing me seems to be in fashion.

jessica hopkins sent me a frantic facebook wall post (not frantic at all) about how i havent blogged in two months. this is true.

so:
-i finished work in laos
-played on islands and made a new and lovely friend and companion
-traveled through cambodia
-flew away to australia, which was interesting and lovely and a bit awkward and distanced and makes me slightly worried about heading back stateside
-burma! and was never so sexually harassed. burmese penises and warnings of “lady danger! lady danger!”
-and am on my way to malaysia with aforementioned friend
-have run out of money and have been doing my laundry with a scrub brush while crouching naked in the shower for the past 5-6 weeks.

i also inadvertently exposed my breast to my moto driver in cambodia. when we said goodbye he grabbed my shoulders and said, “lady, i LOVE you. come back to cambodia soon.”

Vientiane has gone from the city of confusion (due to work) to the city of creepers to the city of darlings and is now the city of lazy. i like this. i work evenings and spend the rest not exploring anything. i even turned down a wedding invite yesterday by one of my students. to be fair, i’m going to a wedding with andy next weekend. it’s just been so long since i’ve had music at my fingertips, and oh my a tv. which sounds silly, but gosh, it’s been years since i’ve had a tv. it feels marvelous to lay around and watch dvds for hours and just veg in a house. it’s a wonderful rest period.

and they are flying me to bangkok, which is fantabulous. it looks like i can make it to cambodia before australia, go straight to burma afterwards, and still meet up with kjersti for a bit in southern thailand for some island reunion.

i am still confused by the fact that i am teaching a TOEFL course and administering the exam but am not TOEFL certified. things are silly.

i have no idea what is happening or what i am supposed to be doing and i spent last night crying. which is good actually, because i had a heavy heart all day and realized that was the first proper cry since the end of August. the stress i’m feeling is certainly magnified by not having any chance to discuss, so i’m relying on writing out the frustration.

i arrived here jan 3, unsure of everything but i figured, ‘hey, why not? if there’s no job than i can move on travelling.’ i had agreed to this days before the holidays, and was not informed of much from the beginning. i recieved my first real information on the 3rd, while sitting in the BKK airport waiting for a flight to Udon Thani. and then I was here. i had been told briefly that the class was 3 night classes, that it was an intensive TOEFL course, that there would be help with securing a place to stay, etc. In the airport conversation, due to being unable to meet, I said it would be fine for me to front the costs and I will pick up my reimbursements and stipend when I swing back through Thailand.

there is no one in Vientane. there was no classroom set. no one has helped with accomodation or even where to find affordable copy shops, etc. Vientane is expensive. okay, okay, not by states standards but by thai, and also my own as i don’t have tons of money. i met with this great man who is a director of an NGO here for a classroom on Thursday, and went again Friday to settle the contract. he is also, thankfully, able to provide a laptop to play audio files. i picked up speakers yesterday. when i was there on thursday, he was asking me very simple questions about the program, etc that i was unable to answer because i have not been informed. this was embarrassing. i have been waiting on a phone call for two days now because i am not fully certain of the budget, which i need to be. trainings generally provide coffee, tea, and snacks. this sounds small but it adds up. also, i have to print the books for class. the total came to over 400 dollars. i started laughing hysterically last night when i realized it was going to be such a struggle to get them to class. so i arranged that they be finished monday afternoon and will hopefully find a tuk-tuk to get me to the office with my 30 600 page books. (and that’s the thing, i have these moments of stress but there are also the moments where i take a second, observe, and then crack up at the wonderfully hilarious situations that are my life.)

on the academic side, which is what is really worrying me, is the fact that i am not a TOEFL expert! i finally got through to someone that i was unaware of many things concerning the course, and recieved a brief explanation of what is going on. Lao students generally have lower TOEFL scores than other south east asian countries, so this course is being offered. it’s through a string of NGOs that would be pointless to name here, as they would mean little to the reader. so, i am the first person to ever teach this course. ever. that feels like pressure to me. if i am the first person than the success (or failure) of the course will greatly impact their ability to get funding, etc for future courses. of course no one has said this to me but that is how these things work. oh, i just feel unprepared and nervous.

i realized yesterday as well, of course i feel overwhelmed! i was dumped into an unfamiliar city with no guidance save for vague emails. realizing that was something i was grateful for; understanding your feelings seems to wrangle them in, somehow.

i just hope that i receive the call that i am waiting for today. i hope that i can figure out what the hell i need to teach. i hope this course is successful for these students because they deserve that.

phew.

Vientiane observations made over dinner:

-French remnants: architecture, baguettes, red wine
-at my favorite breakfast cafe, with its brilliant espresso and homemade bread, chickens and roosters still dot the yard
-oppressive city heat
-as in, at dinner at 7 pm, my beer was warm before i had drank half the glass. the glasses are small
-all tuk-tuk drivers sell weed and opium. for example: “tuk-tuk? tuk-tuk?” “No, thank you.” “Ganja ganja? smoke? opium?” like every 5 minutes past evening time
-i ran across the same sex worker i’d run across in September
-probably, which the above may fail to reflect, the most laid-back capital ever. it’s only a bit bigger than Buffalo

in other news, i am still completely confused with this job business. i am teaching an intensive TOEFL prep course for Lao students who desire to study abroad for university. everything is being sent to me through email, as is all communication. i feel entirely in over my head at the moment. add to this my rare stance as a worker abroad without a laptop, and it does make things worse. i have to sit in this damn internet cafe for hours downloading the coursebook. and then i have to seek out a zip drive and put all of the listening files on it. these aren’t huge mountains to leap but i am so computer un-saavy that i fear i will mess something up, somehow. as this was so disorganized, i seem to have found myself in a top position, and feel entirely unadequate. what do you mean i should go down to the space and get the contract figured out? where is the space? what is this contract? oh, i should tell the students when class is starting? when is class starting? is it up to me when class starts?

also, i don’t actually know who i am working for. but all will come with time.

made a new friend yesterday who suggested we get a large hotel room for the month. it’s a good idea, as guesthouses are pricey and i’m paying nearly 10 dollars for a room that is dark and there’s a shared bathroom in the hall. the hotel room would be much more cash-efficient and comfortable, but i don’t know if i want to share a hotel room with someone for 3.5 weeks. decisions decisions!

it’s drizzly today and i am very thankful. the heat has slowed down my every movement the past few days.

1. i read a 434 page book today, cover to cover, in a successful attempt to avoid every single thing that i should have done today. having finished, i spent at least two hours on the veranda repeatedly reclining and sitting up in this really sweet chair i’m thrilled about having access to.

2. as i was was leaving this evening, i had the opportunity to notice my two pairs of shoes amidst the rest of all of the others. and this made me realize that i deserve the-most-consistent-owner-of-the-mangiest-shoes-of-anywhere-i-stay award. if there are any doubts they should dissipate with the reminder that my folks had a pair of the above mentioned shoes on the burn pile a couple of weeks ago.

and here we are january fourth here being vientiane where i arrived for a job i decided on in three hours less than two weeks before it should begin and have to start in fact have yet to be sure if it’s happening and that is okay because all is well no matter what happens. from volunteering with its teary christmas goodbyes to such a lovely holiday in the south on beaches in hammocks complete with some luxury and truebloods and now here is this new year and it is a promising new year as most of 2009 was grand as well with its lessons its friendships and its bringing me here. 2009 i thank you for many things but most of all i thank you for letting me learn that i was bored and unsatisfied and thank you for having me book a one-way ticket in a half-assed manner because it was hands down the best decision i made all year. and for today i am thankful this day i did nothing except for the monumental event that was a haircut my first non-home haircut in years and dear god i forgot the feeling of having your hair washed scalp massaged and it worked out better than i suspected when you can speak zero percent to your hair stylist. and sunsets i love you its true what she said today i do have a thing for sunsets.

my students are sitting together near the fire practicing my favorite burmese song. they even know it on guitar. i have used my powers of deduction and realize this is so they can sing for me tomorrow.

oh dear. i am going to be a wreck.

i made a quick decision and accepted a short job offer in Vientiane for the month of January. there is pretty much nothing not awesome about this. except that i am close to the Laos border now, and Sunday am flying from CM to the opposite end of the country, and have to make it back by Jan 3 or 4. so money wise and travel wise it’s a bit much, but that’s okay. from what i understand, my housing is covered and i may receive some money on top of that. also, it is only one class, i believe 3 nights a week. and they are all Lao students planning to study abroad for university. i’ll be helping them prep for a TEFOL exam. it will be such a drastic change; living in the mountains and showering with a bucket to living in a capital city. there is a delicious indian restaurant right on the mekong in Vientiane; i am pretty happy about getting to eat there all the time.

i am excited about living in Vientiane for a month. i am excited about saving money. i am excited about my resume.

i am excited that by Sunday afternoon i will be dazed and confused on a beach.

restless.
restless.
restless.

i’m working lazily and leisurely on proposals, which is taking far longer than necessary and reminds me of college behavior.

i can’t help it!

yesterday we drove to an hours away village in a songthaew on terrible roads and it was beautiful. Even today i am still unsure what it was exactly that we were celebrating, but that is okay. i made some videos of the music and dancing and walking and will post them. i love the shan gong. i love the joy in religious celebration here as well. and the men passing around bottles of whiskey and pulling glasses out of pockets. the drive home was incredible. being so high up in the mountains! gosh. there were more stars than sky. i was flabbergasted. i felt like it was the first time i ever realized that there are so many stars.

and now i’m home and restless because i leave so soon and there is still so much to do.

yesterday, one of the head guys (again, this is as far as i got with details) invited me to go with him monday to an orphanage. i hope he was genuine and need to give him a ring. he asked if i would mind scooping out ice cream for the kids. that would be grand!

tying up loose ends. sending things home. buying a pair of sweet green shoes that the soldiers i’ve met wear because they are canvas and awesome. accepting my beach bod is a toddler belly bod (what can you expect? 6-8 bowls of rice a day? rice belly!). forgetting that people are celebrating christmas at home because i leave the day after so all the facebook countdowns, in my eyes, are a day short. finishing revisions that would be done faster if i stopped reading dinosaur comics.