i went away for the weekend. we drove separate motorbikes the three hours to Pai, and that was certainly the best choice (though the last leg of the way there was absolutely freezing). i can’t explain this, and i have said it before, but the high mountain air smells distinctly of lemon verbena. i adore it; it spreads a sense of calm and delight throughout me.

we had a silly weekend. we did all the things people do when they are cooped up for a month, and all the things people do when they are in my present state of mind. i can’t say i was able to forget things this weekend, in fact, i wish i could. my friend and i are very new friends, and she spent a great deal of the weekend talking things over with me and listening- for which i am forever thankful. and we stayed up late! and took hot showers! i got dressed up and even wore eyeliner.

in times of distress we tend to review everything, don’t we? I certainly do. Also, it often tends to take a negative slant- our views on the problem at hand, but also of ourselves. halfway through, however, i started to focus on positive things in myself, and that was really amazing. for example, there is nothing i judge more (sorry friends who have this habit,  but it’s the truth) than the very common trait many have to seek self-worth and self-confidence in others. you know, the i’m sad, i’m going to get attention from the gender(s) i desire, and that will reassure me that i am beautiful and brilliant. it will make me happy and make me forget all my worries. but i tried it. i flirted. they flirted back. and i felt no great sense of anything. meh. it’s not me. it doesn’t work. i get none of the above out of it. and i’m really thankful for that.

a very important thing i realized this weekend is that my behavior was abominable last week. understandable? yes. did i explain to the people i live with why my face was twisted with sorrow? no. did i explain why i stayed far away from them except for class and meals? no. did i explain why i did not speak? no. did i explain to my students why lessons were shoddily planned and i lacked any interest in teaching? no.

sara!

even when approached, i fibbed. in my defense, due to cultural differences, i couldn’t be completely honest without some discomfort. and also, i live here. i work here. i actually thought of announcing a loud i’m sorry for last week! i’m better now! but have decided to take a more diligent route.

lessons. throwing myself into my lessons. devoting time. i will watch numerous korean movies subtitled in burmese and i will lean on the student next to me in a gesture of affection. i will smile. i will try to laugh more when i point out things that i would prefer they do. i must have been so short last week! i had expressed slight annoyance with the continual non-informing; and tonight, when i arrived home every staff member approached me and apologetically told me there would be no classes tomorrow, as it is a holiday… sorry sara, is it okay?

how selfish i’ve been!

i am quite excited about lessons. up until now its been about an hour and a half of grammar and an hour and a half of whatever topic i so chose. things are changing! i’m starting a block on Africa. specifically, apartheid and Mandela, Rwanda, and Wangari Maathai. please keep in mind these lovelies i’m teaching have very little to zero knowledge of the outside world, and thus we’ll focus on human rights activists around the world, continent to continent, so they can work on geography, cultural knowledge and acceptance, different systems of government, etc.

i feel confident making this change because i started a night class for students who are struggling, and thus if they are confused (or more realistically, completely lost) it will be alright, as we have our evening classes where they have much more attention.

i have been feeling like i have such a long time here. but now, already, i have eight weeks left of teaching. only eight weeks! my goodness. there is so much i want to achieve! so much i want my students to achieve! i want to leave knowing i imparted something to them.

and i can. and i will.

and they will see through this that i am sorry i was missing last week. and i will feel like i gave to them all that i am capable of.

(tomorrow is full moon day. we are making things.)