going into town last night was an epic win. while i was walking around the night market before my dinner plans, i realized that this was, in fact, the first time i had walked around the night market since i arrived. i got fried tofu triangles, complete with spicy dipping sauce, and wandered about. (i have my eye on a tablecloth or two, and perhaps a bedspread. just sayin.’) Then i treated myself to the prettiest dress to wear next week, as i’ll be away for 5 days.

dinner was delicious, and afterward we stopped at crossroads where we met up with some others. i caught myself in the mirror at one point, and was so happy. there i was, laughing hysterically. smiling, charming, wholly content. i was happy with my spirit, i was happy with how healthy i looked, i was happy with the people surrounding me.

in my attempts to do what is right, to please people here, i have forgotten myself. which is, of course, something i have done repeatedly throughout my life. i have said to some people that if i had to be characterized by one feeling, it would be guilt. and that is true. and terrible! this needs to change and i am starting today.

i have always had a difficult time with drawing lines. meshing my shoulds and wants, knowing when it’s okay to say no if that is in my best interests. it doesn’t make me an extremely good person. how could it? if we do not satisfy ourselves time to time, we cannot be happy and that affects all around us. plus, i enjoy being happy. and i was really happy last night.

talking with folks last night hit it home. i have no reason to feel guilty for wanting personal time, for wanting to go into town and stay a night on the weekends, go out and meet friends. that is my culture. i have a right to it just as much as people here have a right to theirs.

i am, of course, still glad that i have had such solitude and time for reflection. had i not, perhaps, i would not have come to the above conclusion. thus far, i feel very successful in the self-corrections that i have made. but, i realize, many of them dealt with external influences, while this guilt issue and that which surrounds it is an internal issue.

it is guilt and it is standing up for myself and being certain i am right even though i am alone. i definitely have become more confident in my arguments, but at the same time i have been noticing a slight pas-ag attitude when it comes to not being told about classes, or them allowing tete to run around screaming when i am teaching. it’s half that i cannot believe they don’t understand why that is not okay, and the other half is that i feel i am on their ground and thus, lack the entitlement to voice my opinion. but that is silly. i know i have a fairly good head on my shoulders, generally think rationally, and am quite sensitive. i need to learn to trust my feelings. more pointedly, not just trust them, but voice them and stand behind them.

i recently emailed the previous volunteer to ask her if she had encountered any of the issues that i have. she responded with a “100%.” this was really helpful; it is not me, it is just the way it is. and she also said, “you are already teaching for free, and that is a really great thing.” and she’s right. i don’t mean that i think that is overly amazing, i simply mean that i had conveniently forgotten that i am doing something good for them, and should not feel guilty in doing good for myself. see? martyr.

in conclusion, after my trip away, i am going to spend saturday nights in town. i deserve that. one night in town to have a couple beers and listen to music and laugh isn’t asking too much; and it is healthy.

and a first goal: when making decisions, make them. afterwards, be content with them. i am leaving the december 26 or 27, and am nervous to tell them as i had originally planned to leave after new year’s. but that was when i was having a visitor, and had wanted him to experience a traditional setting. i’ve had three months of that (or will have had) and want to celebrate my new year on a beach. so once i buy my plane ticket, this will be my first test.