..16 nov 2009..

i love back of pickup rides. heads on shoulders, hands on knees. some vomiting over the hatch because of the windy mountain roads. the aroma of rice, ready for harvest. and, of course, the aroma of lemon verbena, which i still haven’t placed.

they told me it would be cold at the IDP camp, which makes sense as it’s in the mountains and we are in the middle of cold season. so i decided that i only needed to wear a t-shirt and a woven scarf made of more air than string.

i’d say we arrived around 7; some had gone earlier to play football, divided into teams by ethnicity: Wa, Pa’o, Shan, and Thai soldiers. i am still very confused as how i am to understand illegal Burmese relationships with Thai authorities. i think the answer may just lie in “everything is complicated.”

when we arrived, everyone had something to do, but me. and i had no idea how to get out of the way. i went outside with the boys for a while while the girls were getting made up. this was a fantastic choice. they had the long drum, the gong, bells, cymbals, and some zany rebels really into screeching and wild dancing. ah, the men who came and danced! the shouts that were song. the wrist flicks, the legs hoisted in the air. the word i first thought was “tribal,” then dismissed it, then later thought “yes, tribal!” for that is precisely what they were, once. there is something about drumming and gonging that hits me right in the heart; the sounds are both exotic and erotic. and hypnotizing.

after going inside and deciding, yes, i am definitely still in the way, i climbed into one of the platformed rooms and promptly starting dozing on some rice sacks. when i woke, i glanced up and said to myself, “hey! lots of guns over my head! classy.” the hut was decidedly quieter, and this worried me.

understand, i had spent the past week watching my students and staff practice two dances to perform at this very shan new year festival. everyday i clearly exclaimed, “lovely! i am so excited to see you dance! i can’t wait!” so, when i asked the few remaining staff where the students were, and they said that they were dancing, i felt heartbroken. in fact, i went outside and cried a little. it seems insignificant perhaps, but it was the icing on my cake of unwantedness. when they told me that they had gone already to dance i said, “you guys! this is why i came!” and they responded as usual: “ohhhhhhhhh.” meh.

so we begin to walk down and i am walking ahead, pouting. mainly walking ahead because of the whole saving face issue, meaning i was sad and a little teary but did not want them to know. however, i was apparently not in the mood to hide it because when my students came i, for once, was honest. not snippy snappy or anything, just honest.

well, to my dear orientation that taught me to keep my feelings to myself because of cultural difference and what not: pssssssssssssssssssssssh. me explaining that i was hurt for being excluded and further explaining that i was not mad at them but did often feel that they didn’t care if i was present or not was probably the best move i have made since i came here. i’d noticed already that i had become more direct when it came to class things and being informed, etc. but had not when it came to my feelings. i’ve become confrontational! it’s a really great feeling. i don’t mean fighty bitey confrontational, just a hey-i’m-feeling-this-and-the-only-way-to-mend-it-is-to-talk-about-it confrontational. huzzah!

i did get to see the second dance, and it was hilarious. hilarious because the guys playing the instruments starting screaming and shrieking and it totally threw them all off from counting beats and it was just fantastic.

later i found zin nwe having beers with some shan men and thai soldiers. a wa rebel army general stood by. this is what i mean about everything being complicated. it is, of course, lovely that all were together to celebrate a holiday. so perhaps i should just leave it at that. (which i will never do because of my incessant need to understand everything and analyze it.) the thais cheers-ed me and asked where i was from and how old i was and cheers-ed me again and then zin nwe took me away.

i suppose it didn’t really hit me that we were celebrating new years until the fireworks came at midnight. i love that warm-heart firework feeling; i think they must bring back the awe of childhood.

midnight also brought the hot air balloons i have heard so much about. there was the giant one in particular. the night was windy and kham thwe and i stood hand in hand before it, watching the monks struggle. she was so sweet! she kept gasping in fear that the balloon would catch fire or ram into a tree; which was a real fear as there was a giant tree not 50 feet from where they were launching it. the basket was decorated with little doohickeys and soon off it soared. once it was high up, i realized that the doohickeys were in fact FIRECRACKERS and crack! boom! bang! it was incredible.

you know, i felt like i had stepped into a secret world. i was, from what i saw, the only westerner at this giant festival. i felt like i had been admitted to a hidden club; to know i was the sole western person experiencing such a thing was really intense.

all in all, a grand success in multiple ways.